Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
