you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
