This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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