I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
