i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Drunk is not a location!
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
