Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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