She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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