we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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