A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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