If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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