no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
