i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
try to milk me bitch
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
