I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
