i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
