i wish my penis had a tongue
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
