My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
