Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
