You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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