There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
