Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
