Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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