hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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