If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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