im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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