Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
So much rum. So many feels.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Randomize
