I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
My feet surprised me
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
