i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
