took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
