We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I want to be your penis for a week.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Randomize
