did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
you had me at cake vodka
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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