if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
