if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Randomize
