just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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