Soap is not a condiment
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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