I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
