so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
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