I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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