the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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