I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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