Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
