I wish I could teleport
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
