I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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