Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
