enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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