Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
