I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Randomize
