my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Randomize
