the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
