bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
