dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Randomize
